"Who?"
"Who else?"
"Are you serious? Well, get ready to write another incident report. If she's not back in fifteen minutes then notify DCF, police and parents."
"Got it."
This was a normal occurrence when I worked at the Lowell Starr program. Some of the teens living at the home would leave for the sake of smoking to relieve stress or simply because it was hard to go a day without one. Sometimes, they would leave because they did not want to stay in the same area as the person they had fought (verbal and/or physical) moments earlier. Some kids would have a high risk of running away either from the home or school and end up going to where they used to live. Most times they come right back. Other times they stay with friends or family only to be found out by the police. As much as some of these kids try to run away, they either come back or someone finds them, at least in my experience at this particular program. Once they left the security of the program, it was not our responsibility to chase after them. We try our best to deescalate the situation before a person goes AWOL in order to keep them in the house by talking with them, taking them on walks or leaving them in their room. If they leave, we notified the proper authorities and leave them be. We would not chase down a client and leave the rest of the staff out of ratio with the rest of the group. Eventually, they come back willingly or is escorted back by the proper authorities.
Growing up I was always a runner. By that I mean I was pretty fast and still am. I loved running and rarely did I get tired while playing sports. I remember playing pick up ball with my friend Mike during my sophomore year in college and him telling me, "Houth, stop running. You just don't get tired."
If you're reading this Mike I'm sorry I couldn't go to your last home game at ENC but I hope you guys rock it in the playoffs!
Anyway, running was always something fun to do and as I got older, running became an outlet when I became upset, angry or confused. I remember so often I would run along Wolly beach at night with my iPod not caring who recognized me.
You see, just like some of the teenagers at the Starr, I am a runner.
I run away when circumstances in my life become overwhelming
I run away when people I feel unappreciated for the work that I do for people I care about.
I run away when I don't know what is going on in my life.
I run away when I feel as if my voice is not heard.
I run away by staying out of family drama.
I run away by being passive and not confronting people who have wronged me.
I run away by not allowing someone to get too close to me.
I run away simply because I am afraid.
And as fast of a runner I claim to be, there are two things I can never run away from:
My circumstances and the truth
As I would run along the beach to get away from writing a long paper or facing a tough decision, I knew that I would run back to my responsibilities and obligations. I knew that no matter how far I ran, I would eventually come running back to campus, a place that I called home for four years.
One evening, I remember sitting in front of my laptop completely frustrated from studying for a big exam and finishing a paper due the next day. I don't know how many lessons I need to learn that procrastination is a terrible idea but some things you choose to never learn. I left my books and laptop at my desk, grabbed a pair of shorts and left to run. I didn't even bring my music with me! I jogged for a little bit towards a Dunkin Donuts. Catching my breath, I paced back and forth in hopes of forgetting my responsibilities of a student. But I had to go back. I knew what was waiting for me and eventually I ran back to campus, slowly.
You can't outrun the truth. You can try to dodge it all you want but eventually you're going to have to face it. You can't run away from the fact that you and your dad do not have a great relationship. You can't run away when God is calling you to confront your past and let it be. You can't run away from the fact that you are afraid of being loved. I've been there! My biggest struggle and biggest joy have one thing in common, love. I love loving other people. I love encouraging people, being present at a friend's game, supporting a play, listening and giving gifts. I love to love people but my biggest struggle is letting someone love me. It's hard to believe that God loves me when I don't communicate with Him. It's hard to forgive myself for mistakes I have made. I feel uncomfortable when I am being served in general. And most importantly, I do not let someone get too close that they can hurt me. Let's face it, being completely vulnerable with another person has its risks and rewards. But I try to not let it get that far, especially in a dating relationship. As much as I desire marriage, I'm afraid to let love in. It's a struggle. At the first sign of danger or trouble, I run away. So when a relationship ends because of that fear, it is heartbreaking. You use the words that you considered a coward's way out only to mask your fear of seeing a person you care about leave you. And so you default to what you do best, you run...as far away as you possibly can.
But you can't run away from the truth forever.
If you're a coward, that's all you'll ever do and God's not going to force you into heaven.
Oh and how the enemy loves to rip you apart when you leave the security of truth.
When you leave the house like a prodigal son or daughter in search of satisfaction you find that it leaves you only thirsty and hungry for more.
Why are you running away?
You spend so much time trying to escape life's problems or another person but why do you do it?
What are you so scared of?
I don't care how tough you think you are, how popular or talented you may be, what are you scared of?!
For once, can you be honest with yourself and God and admit you have been hurt.
Acknowledge that you are in pain and find help.
We have all been wounded by someone's words, actions or lack thereof.
Stop trying to cover it up with lies, stop living fake persona or running away from your problems.
Jesus says that He "has overcome the world."
He says that He is "the Way, the Truth, and the Life."
He says that you are more than conquerors!
In God we have the victory!
So stop running!
Stop striving.
Stop trying to earn grace.
Stop living life as a victim.
Let me clarify something.
I know that some of us reading have gone through some really tough stuff. Believe me, I've worked with teenagers who:
- have been neglected
- abused sexually
- gone through divorce
- almost committed suicide
- are gang kids
- live in terribly maintained homes
I am well aware that everybody has their own story to tell and for some of us the past is beyond excruciating.
At the same time, you need to know that you don't have to run away anymore. I'm not telling you to confront the person that molested you. I'm not telling you to be kind to the person who physically abused your mother or sister. I'm telling you to acknowledge that these things have happened to you and seek help!
Seek a counselor or a wise individual you trust!
Seek God!
For goodness sake you're running because you're afraid or hurt or both and you need to stop!
There's a difference in pretending and having closure.
Find out what that means for you!
Stop running away from God.
The difference between God and the program I worked at is that God will leave the 99 and chase after the one.
God loves you.
Let Him rescue you.
You need to start running to the Truth.
Become the person you were always meant to be
Run back home
Don't go kicking and screaming, but some of us may still do so.
Come back home and see arms wide open, waiting to love you.
And when you are ready, move on.
Let love in...and move on...
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