Confession of Fear, Longing for Love

By: Houth Som

I often wonder

Where the discrepancy is,

Where the error lies

And where did the mistakes come from?

When did fear settle?

Settle like a mother

Calming down her son

Sitting still but never really still

Until a command comes from the father

With the strength of authority in his voice

The depth of seriousness in his tone

There is an underlying message to understand.

For there is no fear in love

But to fear love itself

Is the father’s command

Not the principle of love

Or the teachings of love

But the embodiment of love itself shall I fear

And I hear over and over again

I have not loved myself enough

I have not seen clearly the error of my ways

And yet...

They glorify that which is without error

Without imperfections or blemish

My body is a temple and I have filled it with trash

Trash that has the foul stench of spiritual decay

The terrible odor of hypocritical living

Day by day

With a boulder of a heart at the core

At the center 

And it is...

Cracked...

You can look inside and see a heart 

Half full of vain efforts and

Half empty of what used to be beautiful...

Love...

Filling this temple up with an empty love for

Things...

Attainable, unattainable and that which will soon be attained

Only to be taken away when perfection calls me to be the same

Imagination...

Never satisfied with that which is real

But drinking in saltwater to quench

A thirst as a placebo effect

People...

With words and actions

That has as much substance as an infant writing an essay

Cute,

When you look at the effort,

But there’s really nothing there

Love for self pity, jealousy and insecurity

Pity on things I wish didn’t happen

Jealousy on things that I wish will happen

Insecure on things that I wish will not happen

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I the only one?

Who can fill this void?

I want love...

I need love...

Love that transcends the length of time

But stays with me here in the present

Love that fills this void

But everyday I continue to hunger for it

Love that protects me with its arms

But leaves me vulnerable when my heart is close

Love that reassures me when fear hits me like a storm

But leaves me with a sense of mystery when I’m in the eye

Love that teaches me like a child

But disciplines me like a man

I need this love

I desire this love

Above my own needs

Above my own desires

This love,

God’s love,

Shall remain in me forever

With love dwelling inside

Whom then shall I fear?

What weapon formed against me shall prosper?

Nothing,

For Love Always Hopes,

Always Protects,

Always Trusts,

Always Perseveres

Love...

Never...

Fails...

So why should I see myself as a failure?